Dan and Hannah Began to Make Sense of Life’s Challenges

For some seven or eight years, I have read to my friend Vin two to three times per week at his place, a mile down the hill from our home of thirty years on Chases Pond Road.  Vin is feisty, full of life, and always very appreciative of my visits.   We must have read 50 books or more together.  There were Italian murder mysteries by Andrea Camilleri, spell binders by John Grisham, and my personal favorite, Barbara Kingsolver, among others.  Over 90 and blind for the last 30 years, Vin makes me feel like a long lost friend each time I come to read.  We should all be so lucky to have a friend like Vin.

We’ve just begun a new book, Seasons of Life: A football star, a boy, a journey to manhood (2003) by Jeffrey Marx, that has fully engaged us both from the outset.  Have you ever read a poem that you just wanted to make your own by memorizing it, especially, if the poem is only four lines long?  On page 19 is such a poem by Edwin Markham

There is a destiny that makes us brothers;

None goes his way alone:

All that we send into the lives of others

Comes back into our own.

On the very next page the main character, a former Baltimore Colt Joe Ehrmann, who is dealing with the death of his younger brother, asks these personal and rhetorical questions.    If there truly is a God who loves us, how could he allow this to happen?  How can there be so much suffering and so much unfairness in this world?  What is the purpose of life?  Where does real meaning – real value – come from?  The above poem provides him with a starting point to make sense of his personal tragedy.

   

For me these questions have a text-to-self connection.  In the 1980s our daughter Robyn was diagnosed with leukemia.  Though she is a happy, upbeat thirty-year-old now, at the time, the diagnosis blew Hannah and me away.  What in time helped me deal with her illness was a newly articulated understanding of God.  It helped make sense of her life threatening illness and, in part, might help answer Joe’s questions above.  


I don’t believe God chose for Joe's brother to die or that God is the reason for so much suffering and unfairness in the world.  The seeds of my understanding were planted in Rabbi Harold Kushner’s book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People.  Paraphrasing, Rabbi Kushner felt there were two universal laws: one, there are natural laws.  That is, a good person or not, if one gets injured during a tornado, it has to do with natural laws since tornadoes are caused when different temperatures and humidity meet to form thunderclouds.  It is not some sort of judgment whether the person was good or bad.  Second, people have free will.  They can make choices and do make good ones, great ones, bad ones, and evil ones. 

A hurricane is not an Act of God as the insurance companies and newscasters say.  It is an Act of Nature.  The “Act of God” is the help and support that comes from others to mitigate the loss of all who have suffered during the hurricane. 

I believe the Quaker notion that there is a little God in each of us.  And regularly I see the face of God in the people I meet who are doing good, day in and day out.

Dan and Hannah Take Part in the AIDS Walk in Portsmouth, NH

HIV/AIDS?  

Where did it go?  It’s certainly not in the news as much anymore.  Fact is, it didn’t go anywhere.  There are currently 33 million people living with HIV/AIDS.   Since the beginning of the epidemic, AIDS has killed more than 25 million people worldwide, including more than 583,000 Americans. 

Some call it crisis fatigue, others compassion fatigue.  Daily I am inundated and ultimately desensitized with the media’s focus on the latest crisis/tragedy/ disaster, be it a tornado in Texas, a killing in Florida, an unpopular war in Afghanistan, or an obesity crisis.  They all merit our attention, but with cable news needing to feed its 24/7 monster, the barrage can be overwhelming.  Still, when I read that our First Parish Church in York, Maine is forming a team to walk to support the fight against AIDS and HIV, Hannah and I begin fundraising immediately. 

For some 15 years, AIDS Response – Seacoast organizes a spring 5K walk through downtown Portsmouth to raise money for their programs and services (e.g., Speaker’s Bureau, Prevention Education, transportation to and from medical appointments).  Recently retired, I am looking for activities with goals bigger than myself while working in concert with others.  To be part of a team.  The First Parish Church AIDS Walk team is right up my alley.  I am reminded of a favorite bumper sticker of mine - We are all God’s children – No exceptions.  I am pleased that First Parish supports the AIDS walk.

With teaming, relationships follow.  In fact, on the day of the AIDS Walk, before the main organizer sends us out, he asks us all why are we walking today?  Sure, I want to raise money and awareness, but primarily I’m walking to build relationships.  The folks at Authentic Happiness identify five components to well-being: positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning and purpose, and accomplishment.  They all matter, but today my focus is on building relationships.

Having raised nearly $400 as part of the First Parish Church team, Hannah and I head out on a sixty-degree afternoon in early May.   Starting at 2P, I immediately realize that these are walkers are so slow.  It’s a parade of turtles and snails.  I think, aren’t we going to get some exercise today, folks.   It’s a beautiful day.  Let’s pick up the pace.  As an over-the-edge exerciser, be it hiking, biking, or just exhausting myself til I am staggering after a gym workout, I can be a pain in the butt in my focus on getting a good workout.  But not 30 seconds into the walk, I get it.  Danny my boy, it’s about connecting with other walkers.  Remember?  And please, lighten up for goodness sakes.  

Some men my age are my first walking partners.  It’s the usual ice-breaking small talk about the weather which morphs into talk about our lives.  (By the way, I don’t see talking about the weather as trivial and superficial.  It gives me an opening with another, a starting point, leading into more in-depth conversation.)   I then talk with a man who recently lost his partner.  I mostly listen.  A vice president of the local alliance is my next conversationalist.  Finally I conclude the walk with two fellow churchgoers, a local connection.  And damn, if the hour plus hasn’t zipped by.  I actually enjoyed myself without having to get my heart rate up.

Stonewall Kitchen is the prime sponsor while Longhorn Steakhouse donates burgers and grilled chicken for the post-walk picnic.  We hear that $25,000 has been raised as we sit at picnic tables in the parking lot having those conversations that build connections and relationships. 

May my road in retirement be filled with many relationships.

If you are so inclined to walk in Portsmouth, NH this May 6^th, check out the AIDS Response Seacoast link. 

Dan and Hannah News and Notes

Do you ever get lucky and know that you really just don’t deserve it?  Read on.  In my effort to be actively engaged at our First Parish Church in York, Maine, I am a member of a six member Mission Committee.  One of our members came up with a fantastic idea of a summer clothes drive for children in Honduras.  As part of the Amigos Bucket Program (filling five-gallon buckets with food for families in Honduras), these clothes will also be sent south this coming June.)  When I got the email about helping out, and I am not proud of this, I just put it out of my mind.  How do we spell slacker?   D-A-N.  And then something unexpected happened…

…Sunday in church Hannah and I sat in the right side pews and looked up to see that we were directly behind the visionary woman who had organized the clothing drive.  Clearly, it was a sign.  How could I not commit to helping out that very afternoon from twelve to three?  I couldn’t and I did. 

Showing up at noon after church, I was surprised to see other committee members there.  You see, no one “replied all” to the email invitation so I didn’t know if anyone else was coming.  Man oh man, did I almost blow it.  In the downstairs scout room, we sorted shirts, clipped off tags, packed and taped boxes for three hours.  Let me tell you that it doesn’t get much better than this: working together as a team for a meaningful goal.  Being a part of teams is one of my five wishes (Gay Hendricks, Five Wishes) for retirement.  In a low key setting, we six got to work and laugh together and better know each other in ways no every-other-monthly-meeting could do. 

Fact is, I now believe that groups/committees should come up with a group work project when new members join to build cohesion and connection and commitment among the members.

I got lucky today. 

Pay it forward.   Our town of York has scheduled an E-Waste drive for families to bring old computers, televisions, and batteries to York Village Elementary School on a Saturday morning.  Having an old computer, Hannah and I stopped by and followed the orange pylons that funneled us to eager parents who were taking the e-stuff from our trunk and piling them into the tractor trailer.  As we drove in, we had passed mothers and daughters selling popcorn, brownies, muffins, and coffee on this raw, overcast March morning.  Funneled out of the parking lot, we headed for home. 

Within five seconds, Hannah pulled to the side of the road on York Street and wondered aloud if we blew it by not buying something and donating to their cause.  Clearly, blew it we had; ergo, we turned back and stopped just past the bake sellers and stepped out.  I handed a dollar to the girls standing behind the goodies and said, We don’t want anything, but we would like to donate and pay for the next person who comes wanting to buy something.  Can you do that?  They totally didn’t get us, but their mothers did.  We then handed them two more dollars and asked them to get something for the officer directing traffic down at the bottom of the hill on this cold gray morning.  That seemed clearer and they immediately started talking about what to give him.

We didn’t know any of the kids or the mothers.  Once done, we got in the car and headed for home as originally planned.  I have no idea what happened, but I have faith and trust that something good did.

Hannah leaves Durgin Pines Nursing Home  

After four years as the beloved hairdresser (and if you know Hannah that adjective is no overstatement), Hannah was given a surprise going away party to mark her retirement.  

Joyfully celebrated for being a woman who valued each and every resident by taking the time to listen to them, know them, and celebrate their lives one haircut at a time, Hannah got teary with each look into the residents' and the staffs’ eyes that afternoon.    

The most touching part was when from one side, a resident was rolled forward in her wheelchair and then placed a flower in the vase that Hannah was holding.  As she did, Hannah knelt and talked with her as if she was the only one in this room of seventy people, while holding her hands and shedding a few tears.  She then pivoted 180 degrees and from the other direction another resident was wheeled to her to place his flower and get a personal good-bye from Hannah. 

If there was a Nursing Home Hall of Fame for hairdressers, Hannah would be in it.  

Hannah's salon (up and down)

Dan (#30) and Hannah (#18) Play the Name Game with a First Grandchild on the Way

Do you know the top five names for babies in 2012?

                             Girls                                               Boys

1.   Emma                                 1. Mason

2.   Olivia                                  2. Liam     

3.   Sophia                                3. Ethan

4.   Ava                                    4. Noah

5.   Isabella                              5. Jacob

Wondering where Hannah is on the list?  #18.  Dan?  #30.  Molly, Robyn, and Will did not make the top 40.  That was all part of our plan, but I’ll get to that later.

Our daughter Molly and son-in-law Tip are expecting their first child and our first grandchild this coming July.  Like her parents, Molly doesn’t want to know the gender of their child.  They aren’t telling anyone their leading choices, if they even have them four months before the birth.

Let me say, Hannah and I are offering no suggestions.  It’s something the actual parents have got to do and get right since they’ll be the ones saying the name up to 50 times per day for the next 18 years.  Of course, we’d like to support them in as non-obtrusive way as we can.

I totally get that they are keeping their thoughts to themselves.  People can’t help but have a reaction to a possible name and that just makes the life on the Mom and Dad to-be more complicated than necessary.  The challenge of naming kids has hit the mainstream media.  George Costanza of the Seinfeld staked a claim to the name Seven for their future child in conversation with his fiancée Susan.

GEORGE: I got a great name for our kids. A real original. You wanna hear what it is? Huh, you ready?

SUSAN: Yeah.

George uses his finger to draw a number 7 in the air, accompanying the strokes of his digit with a two-tone whistle.

SUSAN: What is that? Sign language?

GEORGE: No, Seven.

SUSAN: Seven Costanza? You're serious?

GEORGE: Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl...

Susan scoffs.

GEORGE: ...especially a girl. Or a boy.

SUSAN: I don't think so.

GEORGE: What, you don't like the name?

SUSAN: It's not a name. It's a number.

GEORGE: I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute.

SUSAN: It's awful. I hate it!

GEORGE: (angry) Well, that's the name!

SUSAN: (also angry) Oh no it is not! No child of mine is ever going to be named Seven!

When Hannah and I thought about names for our children, we wanted our kids to have distinctive names without being weird.  Of course, I had taught eight years of school at that point so names of troublesome students were off limits.  We also didn’t want our child to be Little This or Little That at family gatherings.  We were in Arizona and our families in the East at that time so we had the run of the house as far as names were concerned.

At Nevitt Elementary in Phoenix, two of my favorite students were named Molly (Please, let’s put this to rest that teachers don’t have favorites.  We do.  Who doesn’t love a child who is enthusiastic, willing, and generally very happy?  What we must do as teachers is be fair.  That doesn’t mean treating them all the same, which is inherently unfair; we teachers need to give each student what she/he needs to succeed and not play favorites.).  The name Molly fit our criteria of being distinctive without being out there.  We then we felt girls needed a lyrical middle name.  Hers is Melinda.  Molly Melinda.  It flows.   Our second daughter Robyn has Leigh for a middle name.  Robyn Leigh flows nicely, too.  Beautiful names for beautiful daughters.

Boys’ names were always a challenge for us.  We had so many lyrical girls’ names to choose from.  But when we heard the right boy’s name, we knew it.  Once, north on the coast of Maine, we heard a mother call to her son who happened to have quadruplet sisters.  He was Will, not William.  When it’s right, it’s right. So our son is a Will.  Like the girls’ names, Will is still a personal favorite.

Using family names?  I get that and support that if that’s their choice.  It’s all Molly and Tip’s choice, and yet…

… could we help?  I think so.  Hear me out.

Perhaps their child will go to college.  What if all Molly and Tip’s family and friends could participate in a 64-name March Madness-type bracket pool for $10 each?

Molly and Tip would create a March Madness bracket with all the possible and “no way” names for kids one month prior to the expected due date in late July.   Molly and Tip would load in a 64 name bracket with their favorite boys’ names and girls’ names while throwing in a few curve balls.  Like people do with college basketball March Madness bracket pools, family and friends would have names compete against each other until they arrived with a final name.  Thanks to Molly and Tip the drama is heightened by the fact that the gender of the child is unknown.   

Molly and Tip would ultimately pick the name while at the same time banking untold dollars for their child’s education.  Whoever gets the name correct (or whoevers) gets to go to the kid’s college graduation with Molly and Tip.  If my math is correct, if 10,000 people participate, $100,000 will be generated.  Molly and Tip can then invest the money and pay for four years of tuition, room, and board at the Harvard of the West, Arizona State University.

Their alumni maternal grandparents will be so proud.