Dan Learns about Building Men for Others
A few men feel that one of the most pressing concerns for our country is to address How do we help boys grow into men when society promotes a false masculinity? That false masculinity focuses on:
1. Athletic ability (from an early age)
2. Sexual conquest (from teenage years on)
3. Economic success (once an adult)
4. (from a friend) Being a BS-er and basing your actions on being charming
If you don’t have a code of masculinity for yourself as a male or as a parent for your son, you are left to the mercy of pop culture. That’s not a good thing. Without a clear code to live by, boys are set up for failure. False masculinity is based on comparisons. As Max Ehrmann wrote in the Desiderata (1927) If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Joe Ehrmann (as far as I know, no relation to Max) has an alternative to the misguided notion that we males only have value in comparison to others (and besting them at that). He says, First and foremost is the ability for young men (and all men) to enter and maintain relationships. It’s about the capacity for men to love and be loved. For males, in the end it’s only going to matter what kind of father you were? What kind of son you were? What kind of brother you were? What kind of friend you were? For me, what kind of impact did I have on my preservice teachers students having them learn that teaching is about building relationships with students? Success is determined by the quality of relationships one has. [Much of this likely applies to females, but Joe’s thesis refers to males.]
Second, Joe feels people need a cause, some kind of purpose bigger than themselves. Something bigger than our own hopes, dreams, wants, and desires.
Joe doesn’t just identify problems; he offers solutions to foster those two principles in young men. We have to have them learn to:
1. Accept responsibility
2. Lead courageously
3. Enact justice on the behalf of others.
4. Be empathetic
Finally, he suggests you base your thoughts and actions on one simple question: How can I help you today?
Relationships work best with affirmation and empathy. As a writing teacher, I thought my students of any age needed encouragement and feedback when I responded to their writing. How do you teach empathy? One way is to constantly ask questions. Somebody called so and so fat. How do you think that made that person feel? How’s it feel when somebody calls you something you don’t like? How’s it feel when people aren’t nice to you? Without empathy we are like animals dealing merely with self-preservation and power.
To begin building those relationships, Joe references Questions for My Father: Finding the Man Behind Your Dad by Vincent Staniforth. For example for conversations between son and father, one might ask:
What did you always want to do but never had the chance?
What do you believe happens when you die?
What was your first job?
If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
Speaking of fathers, I believe that best thing a father can do to raise healthy, well-adjusted sons and daughters is treat their mother well. Treat her with love, respect, and gratitude.
If you know a new father in your life, this would be a good starting point for him.
Joe’s wisdom came from my reading of Season of Life by Jeffrey Marx which focuses on his philosophy of building men for others. The book takes the reader through one football season with Reverend Joe Ehrmann at Gilman School (Maryland) and football coach Biff Poggi. It’s my book of the year. It blew me away.
Before I even finished the book, I ordered two copies on half.ebay.com. One for Hannah and me and one for our son Will. He and I will meet soon over dinner to talk about what each of us highlighted in Season of Life.
If you have a son, know parents with sons, or have a coach in your child’s life, this book may be just what you are looking for.
Addendum
Joe Ehrmann’s codes of conduct for parents, coaches, and players. I have included a few samples. Click on the links below to see them in their entirety.
I encourage my child and teammates with positive statements, even when they make mistakes. At every practice they are growing physically and emotionally. At every practice they are learning moral and ethical lessons. At every practice they are developing character.
Each player is part of our family, deserves every chance to succeed and deserves the utmost respect.
I act with empathy. I try to understand what is going on in the hearts and minds of others and what is causing those feelings so that I can be supportive and encouraging. I ask, “How can I help you?”
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